Brain retraining

I prefer to sit in the background and kind of lurk in most situations both figuratively and literally. I don’t stand out in a crowd if it is large and diverse enough. I blend well with most social groups as well a a curmudgeon blends with anything. I have been thinking about my life recently and how I behave and I’ve come to a few conclusions. I’ve decided to share one.

I don’t like receiving praise. When I’ve accomplished something or created something, or when I’ve done a good thing, I don’t like getting accolades, positive critique, or having it acknowledged. When someone else, someone I care about, is proud of something I’ve done I feel something like guilt not pride. Don’t get me wrong. I take great personal pride in my job and I do want to know I am doing well or that I’m appreciated, but when a good job is rewarded I feel anxiety, not happiness. In fact, if someone comments positively on something I’m doing I usually want to stop. If someone comments negatively, It’s not as bad, but I still feel like I’m drawing too much attention to myself.

I don’t know where this comes from. I was praised and encouraged as a child when it was warranted and probably when it wasn’t. I’m sure there has been a macaroni picture or three saved and displayed on the fridge regardless of quality. I don’t really recall any specific instances, but I’m sure there were.. I think my parents still have a drawer somewhere with childhood artifacts in it. I don’t think a lack of encouragement in childhood is at all to blame. I can say that as a, let’s say, precocious, child, one into everything and always doing something that was intensely frustrating for my parents and my aunts, and really any adult in my life. I probably got a lot more corrective attention than praise.

That thought leads me to this; Maybe I connected attention of any kind to negativity. Maybe I’ve associated or connected the two somehow and just need to disconnect them. How do you disassociate an association from childhood? Aversion therapy seems like the exact wrong direction to lean. What do you do when you feel ashamed of accomplishments or activities that you should be proud of and what do you even call that?

A lot has happened

It has been some time since I posted.

 You may remember a couple of months ago when the sun went dark in parts of North America. Well, I got to see it from Tacoma Washington (stuck there for 6 weeks) where we got 90% or so coverage. If you look to the left of the sun in this picture, you can see the eclipse a little more than half way completed in the bokhe.  It’s a little crescent shape. I kind of wish I had had my god camera with me to tone down the ISO and maybe get a better shot. They say the best camera is the one you have with you. Meh.

On top of that, My dad (photo not available) Was in the hospital the whole time I was gone and a little before. Thanks to doctors, bed rest, modern medicine, and probably a miracle or two, he’s home now. He grew a beard while he was in there and I would post a picture of it, but his Facebook has been deleted so I can’t steal…. um… borrow a picture.

Lindsay has almost finished her Masters of Library Science and we’ve decided to stick around Shreveport for the foreseeable future. That’s not to say if an opportunity elsewhere presented itself, we wouldn’t jump on it but the new feeling of permanence allows us to add another member to the pet portion of the family. Pictured are the wife and Lucy who is Penny’s legit sister. She came from a litter created by Cooper and Bella, Penny’s parents. Sadly, Cooper has passed and we knew this was our last shot to get one of his kids and a genetic sister for Penny.

Finally, I’ve started using Ello a little more. The wife has just started dabbling in watercolor and acrylic painting (and she’s amazing already… just look) and it got me thinking about my complete lack of creative efforts over the last year. Enter Ello. Ello was trying to be a simplified FB when it started but it’s been retooled to a mature version of Deviant Art which I left some time ago. I will probably be uploading some photos that I’m still taking from time to time (see the spider husk) and if I decide to paint some or do any more illustration or even if I take part in Inktober this time, I might post some stuff there. Looking through other artists’ works is inspiring.

I am also hoping to do more regular updates to this blog and maybe film some more. I can almost guarantee there will be puppy videos ahead but I also intend to do some more tutorials and I plan a little bit of a fruit tree project so watch for that.

More ahead.